Just thinking too much.

I've been a bit disappointed lately that it looks like what fanbase I had on deviantART has vanished. No comments etc. I started wondering why that happened. I might be wrong here, but I'm figuring it's because I am no longer drawing things related to the Sonic fandom, whether that is the characters themselves or, later on, making comics and drawings making fun of people within the fandom.

Then I thought about it some more and I think I can finally put into words why I can no longer stand the Sonic fandom and why I am glad why I got out of it:

It's toxic.

It is terribly, terribly toxic. In the art and fan-character site of the fandom, people don't really seem to be fans of the series itself; they are fans of themselves and their fan character(s). They think they are the shit, that they are fucking awesome, and it's all about them. They make "friends", they do art trades with them, draw fanart for them, and then turn around and bitch about that said friend to their other "friends", who also bitch about each other. Everyone sucks and they are the best! Gotta draw fanart of this character so I can get more pageviews, even though I think that person is a fucking SLUT because their fancharacter has big tits so that means the character is a SLUT, and characters are always exactly the same as their creators, right?

Just an endless chain of dick-wagging, back-stabbing and stagnation, and oh god, I did so many of those fucking things, it's just GROSS.

So yes, no shit, I had an ego back then. I do not need to tell people this but I'll admit it anyway. I thought I was awesome, that my bad art was awesome, and that everyone else sucked because they did mild shit that irritated me. So I just yelled at everyone and messed with them and made it my career to be a gigantic asshole to people. This didn't apply to just Sonic fandom people either, it applied to furries and random folk off livejournal etc.

And...people liked that, obviously? Originally I thought it was because "yes these people agree that I am awesome" and that "I'm just saying shit they're scared to say" and stuff like that.

I don't know what it really was, I'm assuming, judging from the other patterns displayed above, they just liked seeing me be an asshole to other assholes, and that they didn't like me that much and thought I was just a lame asshole as well (because they are truly the best, you see).

Now note that I am not blaming the entirety of me being an asshole on Sonic fans, I of course contributed to some of it on my own! And I'm sure other fandoms have the same kind of toxicity going on with them, but I feel the Sonic fandom helped bring out all those shitty qualities of me while I was at a younger age (14-19?) where I was more influenced by these things.

Basically, if this is the kind of thing that originally got me comments and such on deviantART, instead of people genuinely caring about me or my art, then I'd rather it be gone.  I'd rather not keep the cycle going just for more attention. I may be sad that I am no longer much of a "thing" but it is a good thing at the same time.

All of the above is glad why I got out of it, even if it took me a while to shake off all of those old habits. I know I display some of them still, I get snappy and irritated on tumblr/twitter and such. However, now that I have more positive things to put my energy towards (such as developing my characters, working on Weasyl, etc.), that I'll cool off for the most part on that kind of thing.

So, hey, I completely understand that people may be hesitant to do things like join Weasyl because they had a bad experience with me in the past, or saw me acting a fool otherwise. I certainly was a little shit, no denying that, and I'm sorry. I apologize to the people I messed with for little reason and to those I over-reacted towards whether either party was "right".

However, at the same time, when people go on and on about me being a gigantic bitch but can only cite things that happened ages ago (if they cite anything at all), it's funny and gives me an ego boost. If that is all you can complain about me TODAY is something I did maybe 5 years ago that doesn't currently reflect who I am? Then that is kind of good for me. Yea, it's insulting, but if that's all it is, then that means I'm on the right track to not being such a shithead. All you are doing is making me feel better, so that is my official response on that whole thing. If it is a more recent thing, then yea, you have valid reason to call me a bitch. Though you can also try talking to me about it too!

And to the people who have followed me around off the edge of the Earth (even if you did so silently), despite all of that shit I did above, then thanks. It means a lot. You have kept me going for so long and I really do appreciate it.

Thank you.